The more I think, the more I thought.

Yeah, you read the title right.

Ever since my girlfriend gave me "the news", I can't help but think it over and over when my mind is idle. Did I do the right thing? Let her make her decisions? Would it make a difference if I stressed my own agenda? She did say she's happy I shared the same sentiments as hers but the more I shut it out of my head, the more it squeezes in. It's gonna be years again before I see her. Not unless I go home, or I let her visit me for two months and then go back. I'm not even sure she gave it some thought.

First of all, I can't go home. It'll be a 18 months before that happens. And if I let her visit me temporarily, it'll cost me an arm and a leg. I was willing to do that before coz I know she'll stay here and look for a job and start a life together. Suddenly, that seems hazy. And the thought of us breaking up slowly grows roots.

Am I being paranoid here? Am I grasping on straws? I know she's telling me the truth. But does she still think of our future together? Is she still as firm and solid in her commitment to me as she was a few months ago? Should I talk to her about this?

There are times when she cries to me about when can we be together? Times she wishes she's beside me so I can take care of her. Days when she tells me she's not getting any younger and wants to have a family soon. She even gave me a date for she wants to come here. I stuck with those plans and re-aligned my own to carry them off. But now they changed. The times and days she cried and became distressed were gone. So was the date. I've supported her in her decisions and made sure I don't interfere when there's no need. This was one of them.

The more I think, the more I thought. I thought I knew her.