It has been a hell of a week for me. Some days are good but maybe because im just oblivious of the real score that's gonna happen or is happening before my eyes.

Today is my birthday ladies and gentlemen. It's the first time I uttered such a phrase. Honestly, I dunno what to feel today. However, let me just tell you how I've gone through this infamous day.

Last night, I came home, and found my roomates asleep. I changed my clothes, looked for a cigarette, there's none, then went outside. The stars were a marvel to view on the cloudless sky. I came to think that in a matter of minutes, I will be turning 23. (big woop) I came to a minor sulking dilemna about my past birthdays are just as uneventful. I'm NUMB. I don't expect my birthday to be anything more than a plain day.

10 mins before 12, a friend of mine came so things started to look up a little. We talked about our anxieties, angsts, frustrations and mediocre states of happiness. I'm glad I have someone to talk to about those sentiments. He has no idea what I was waiting for. He bid me to just go to their apartment and down a little booze but I told him I was waiting for 12:00. He didn't ask why. I don't blame him.

My brain told me it was 12:00. I looked up in the sky which is starting to have little forms of clouds and I whispered "Happy Birthday, Gibbs". I hate to admit that there were tears in my eyes. I dunno where they came from but I know they were not because I felt joy. I looked at my life and wondered what I did to make myself feel like such. My friend was sharing things that I, sadly, didn't really understood. We talked some more and drank two bottles each. I felt sleepy. We agreed to call it a night and parted.

I woke up at 9 and I have to go home to get some clothes. Along the way, I found myself typing this on my cellphone - "im tired. Tired of all this. tired of talking. Tired of wishing, tired of waiting. tired of hurting. tired of being paranoid and being seen as wierd. tired of trying. I'm just tired."

There are a helluva lot more things that happened to justify that this day is one of the worst days of my entire adult life and the fact that it's my birthday makes it even more excruciating. the thought that I can finish this day with a modicum of a shindig will be enough for me.

Sorry if I seem to have a dark blog today chaps. But it's my bday so don't have a cow ok?

ciao!