a rock and a hard place

My desire to come home has cranked up a notch today. Again, I dragged up the nonsensical process of weighing the pros and cons of doing it. Let me bore you.

Pros:

• get to see my girlfriend (this has become a "Puddle of mud" song lately)
• see my parents
• see my grandma
• be with my bestfriends
• drink
• travel
• work where I know I'm making a difference
• see MYMP perform
• regain my english proficiency
• do poetry
• write
• be home

Cons:

• it'll cost me hard-earned money (both for plane and pasalubong.)
• i'll be giving up the chance of earning higher that home
• losing the edge(?) of going to countries I dream of.
• a sting on my pride
• some other matters with earning more mullah.

So summing up, the cons are more in a monetary light while my pros are personal. The sad thing these days is that money matters become part of one's personal ambitions. It goes hand-in-hand in building a future for one's self, or for his/her family.

Eversince I started working, I think even in college, money has never been an issue to me. Sure, I go broke more times that anyone in my age and status has been, but I learned to live with it. And live I did. It was such a magical time.

But now that I turned my back on my homeland in quest for greener pasteur, I somehow swam with the tide. I see myself putting aside my personal goals for... money. Although I shouldn't, I envy people who doesn't have to work for their own families. Who can save up for themselves. Plan marriage. Take a loan for a lot. Slowly build a house. Go on vacations. For me, I've ....

Why am I fucking whining?!?!

An old friend is back...

"Hold thy hurt. Envelop it

Like t'was lost.

The warmth and thorns shalt bear of boundless wonderings

As no tomorrow will raise the same sun

Gaze the eyes that will turn hands

and let thy heart take the sweet stabs of a haunting fate."

-blabbermouth

happy holidays

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Here we are again brother and sisters. Christmas. Peace on earth and Goodwill to man. I've had better ones than this. Hell, it's the first time I'm celebrating it with a bunch of Hindi, egyptian, lebanese, nepalese, bangladeshi, pakistani, syriani, euthopian, and others that I wasn't able to classify. At christmas eve, I'll be working. Until 2 in the morning. No Friends. No family. Not even a conversation coz they don't speak freakin english.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Merry Christmas everybody.

femasculinity

I always believed I was able to understand the opposite sex better than anyone I know. Granted I haven't dated much nor had a lot of girlfriends (for the record it's 2), I was able to see through them what other men don't.

I grew up with women around me. My mother, sister, aunts, cousins and my grandma. My father and my uncles all went abroad. It's a culture in our place. My friends in gradeschool were ALL girls. Which, consequently, is the reason I don't have male friends. There was a small era where I was thought to be gay. When you're gay in the age, it's like having boils. Me and my friends used to walk holding hands, go to each others birthdays, do study sessions and hang out. I wasn't bothered then cause I really enjoy their company.

We drifted apart in high-school and I settled for the norm. Until now. But at home, it's the same. I learned everything from my mother and aunts that usually uncles and fathers teach. And more.

But at the same time, I learned that no matter how long you lived with, been friends with, even impersonated women to the extent of virtually being one, no man can understand women. That's just how it is. And I am not even a bit saddened about this coz I think it's how God wants it. It's how they become special. And they are. Beautiful. Innocent. Pure. Holy. Amazing.

Men may not understand you, but we adore you. In our cluelessness, we find heaven. In our ignorance, we find bliss...
-blabbermouth

Hymn to Isis

For I am the first and the last

I am the venerated and the despised

I am the prostitute and the saint

I am the wife and the virgin

I am the mother and the daughter

I am the arms of my mother

I am barren and my children are many

I am the married woman and the spinster

I am the woman who gives birth and she who never procreated

I am the consolation for the pain of birth

I am the wife and the husband

And it was my man who created me

I am the mother of my father

I am the sister of my husband

And he is my rejected son

Always respect me

For I am the shameful and the magnificent one

- 3rd or 4th century BCE, discovered in Nag Hammadi

The more I think, the more I thought.

Yeah, you read the title right.

Ever since my girlfriend gave me "the news", I can't help but think it over and over when my mind is idle. Did I do the right thing? Let her make her decisions? Would it make a difference if I stressed my own agenda? She did say she's happy I shared the same sentiments as hers but the more I shut it out of my head, the more it squeezes in. It's gonna be years again before I see her. Not unless I go home, or I let her visit me for two months and then go back. I'm not even sure she gave it some thought.

First of all, I can't go home. It'll be a 18 months before that happens. And if I let her visit me temporarily, it'll cost me an arm and a leg. I was willing to do that before coz I know she'll stay here and look for a job and start a life together. Suddenly, that seems hazy. And the thought of us breaking up slowly grows roots.

Am I being paranoid here? Am I grasping on straws? I know she's telling me the truth. But does she still think of our future together? Is she still as firm and solid in her commitment to me as she was a few months ago? Should I talk to her about this?

There are times when she cries to me about when can we be together? Times she wishes she's beside me so I can take care of her. Days when she tells me she's not getting any younger and wants to have a family soon. She even gave me a date for she wants to come here. I stuck with those plans and re-aligned my own to carry them off. But now they changed. The times and days she cried and became distressed were gone. So was the date. I've supported her in her decisions and made sure I don't interfere when there's no need. This was one of them.

The more I think, the more I thought. I thought I knew her.

Don't blink.

I've been staring on this stupid screen for 10 minutes thinking how to start this entry. Screw it.

My girlfriend sent me an email an hour ago telling me her tour here might not actually push through. Her parent's will be migrating to the US no later than next year and she was given the option to come after them with her brothers. A stipulation being that she stay and be single so she won't have problems with her papers.Also, that she gives her job the dedication it needs. She finally got a job that she can do with ease. The previous ones gave her constant headaches. She said she's not totally abandoning our plans of her coming here but it seems to me, she's on board with her parents' boat. She also told me she knows I always wanted to be in the states too.

I replied, as honest as I can during this critical times as she needs some light shone on her. She's weak when she's confused. I told her it's her decision. That whatever she decides, I believe will be best for both of us. That I would be happiest wherever I was, as long as I was with her. That's the gist of it. I just wish she didn't take it the wrong way. I've always avoided that.

We'll see what she thinks lads. tata for now!