It has been a hell of a week for me. Some days are good but maybe because im just oblivious of the real score that's gonna happen or is happening before my eyes.

Today is my birthday ladies and gentlemen. It's the first time I uttered such a phrase. Honestly, I dunno what to feel today. However, let me just tell you how I've gone through this infamous day.

Last night, I came home, and found my roomates asleep. I changed my clothes, looked for a cigarette, there's none, then went outside. The stars were a marvel to view on the cloudless sky. I came to think that in a matter of minutes, I will be turning 23. (big woop) I came to a minor sulking dilemna about my past birthdays are just as uneventful. I'm NUMB. I don't expect my birthday to be anything more than a plain day.

10 mins before 12, a friend of mine came so things started to look up a little. We talked about our anxieties, angsts, frustrations and mediocre states of happiness. I'm glad I have someone to talk to about those sentiments. He has no idea what I was waiting for. He bid me to just go to their apartment and down a little booze but I told him I was waiting for 12:00. He didn't ask why. I don't blame him.

My brain told me it was 12:00. I looked up in the sky which is starting to have little forms of clouds and I whispered "Happy Birthday, Gibbs". I hate to admit that there were tears in my eyes. I dunno where they came from but I know they were not because I felt joy. I looked at my life and wondered what I did to make myself feel like such. My friend was sharing things that I, sadly, didn't really understood. We talked some more and drank two bottles each. I felt sleepy. We agreed to call it a night and parted.

I woke up at 9 and I have to go home to get some clothes. Along the way, I found myself typing this on my cellphone - "im tired. Tired of all this. tired of talking. Tired of wishing, tired of waiting. tired of hurting. tired of being paranoid and being seen as wierd. tired of trying. I'm just tired."

There are a helluva lot more things that happened to justify that this day is one of the worst days of my entire adult life and the fact that it's my birthday makes it even more excruciating. the thought that I can finish this day with a modicum of a shindig will be enough for me.

Sorry if I seem to have a dark blog today chaps. But it's my bday so don't have a cow ok?

ciao!

Yes, I'm blogging in the morning. I'm in for 5-1 today. Geez. It's too early for me. Guess, I'm not much of a morning person.

Last night was a first for me. First, in terms of drag racing. My friend, who introduced me to the fast and burning tire world of drag racing, had a gaging last night with a fellow employee here. I was tasked to be a flag man. Whoa!!! It was really great. It was just a simple, friendly race but it was big for me. The adrenaline of a reving engine is intoxicating. Plus, to be in front of two shiny and reving wonder pieces of machinery is overwhelming enough. The start of the race and the fairness with regard to simutaneous running depends on you. Damn!

It's a given that you have to throw a small shindig in line with your birthday. In my case I did it last night and another, the night before. I came home around 4:30 and feeling really groggy. This has to stop for a while. My intestines might not take the abuse. Plus, it's getting really ridiculous. I'm living a wanton life. Well, sort of.

I ask a friend today how she was and she answered "SSDD". At first I didn't wanna ask what that meant. She sensed my confused state and asked if I know what that means. I said no. It was "Same Shit, Different Day". Huh. Well, it's better than "same same".

There hasn't been single day since the start of my new sked, that I went straight home to my apartment. I always go home past midnight. usually 2, 3 or even 4 in the morning. God! I love this sked! heheh.

I hope it's not disparaging when I say that I only went home 3 times without a modicum of alchohol in my system. Some very few, and some, criss-crossing as I walk back.

It's Easter Sunday 'ol chaps. Happy Easter to you. Whoever you are.

There was someone who posted something on our classifieds selling something that, should we say, inappropriate or unethical to sell. Right after he posted the said ad, other workers replied to the incorrect posting. When I say other, I mean more than 10 people commented on the posting. I'm probably gonna bias but I think they went overboard. Why don't just let two to three replies against him pass? That's it. Be on the backseat and save your intended rage. The poster knows, if not later, that what he done is incorrect but, for me, he doesn't deserve what has been done to him. I'm not giving any edge on the original poster for what he did was, for a fact, ungrateful.
I hate to think that people jump on the chance to be "holier that thou". Comment on something that is already rockbottom. I mean, come on, when is enough. You still need to prove, so eloquently, how crappy the poster's action was.

Just thinking out loud. (sigh)

Today is one of those "Ho-Hum" days. And, these types of days are the ones I like. You know those days when you had a nice night where you got out, partied or talked with a friend over coffee or went to last full show which you are sure you got your money's worth then went to sleep past midnight. Eventually wake up with the sound of all your housemates busy roaming around the narrow living room, loud sounds, rice being cooked, thinking about what to eat for the 10:00 lunch. Greet you good morning then tease you why you came home late.
We eat, talk about the weather, the war, women... Then, when you take a bath, you mutter to yourself - "this is gonna be a great day". Those days. (kinda long huh? but you get the picture.)

These are the days blogging is a must. A barrage of thoughts cloud your mind.

It's Good Friday. Everything's silent. Aside from the pricking heat, the electricity went off at 11:30 this morning. I was short to freaking out. We ate tofu because meat is prohibited based on our long-practiced culture. Tofu is soya beans processed, pressed and dried so there's no morsel of meat in there. Trust me.
In my younger years, younger meaning 3-4 years ago, we stay in the chapel where they hold the "pasion" or reading the persecution and death of christ. We make the semi-stage where they read. A cave-like structure so the readers are inside it with flowers and leaves for decoration. I don't interfere with the microphone and electical stuff.

Outside the chapel, most have gardens or function halls, there's a buffet table where the street or "purok" in charge will hold a small feast for people visiting the chapel. Mostly they have Macaroni soup (sopas), pancit, Ice cream, rice with viand, sometimes bread with coffee at early mornings. It was fun. And yes, it's fulfilling to the stomach. We would tour from barrio to barrio to read "pasion" and then they feed us of course. (wink)

I have a lot stories from my old hometown to share. But maybe in my next blogs. Have a contemplative Holy week.

I had a two day quasi-hiatus on blogging. I was a little tied up with work and other stuff. But, I regret every single time I skip a day.

Last night, my workmates talked about eating at DIDI's pizza. I told them there are a lot of people there at this time of the month since it's lent and there's no classes or work for government employees. (oh yeah, and I'm broke).
To my surprise, they caved. We walked along fields near Domino's to buy some veggies they'll need for breakfast. Then we agreed to buy pandesal and Liver spread. (yes, it's 11 in the evening) There is a famous bakery near that makes all day Hot Pandesal and they are pretty darn good. We bought like 40 pesos worth. Enough for a small army.
We reached their house and was greeted by their housemates, full force. (40 pesos is a very wise move) It was fun while we ate hot pandesal at 12:00 in the evening and exchange jokes.

Now I learned that Pandesal is good food since ALMOST everybody eats them and you can put what you want. Cheese, Cheese Wiz, Mayo, and in our case, Liver spread. In our old town, its a must to matched it with steaming coffee then dip them. God, that's good food. Low in fat and cholesterol, and most of all CHEAP. I urge you to try it sometime. Don't forget to buy extra.

I went home this morning and my pop was the only one left in the house since it's graduation time. Almost all my cousins are graduating. My mom went to the old house to help with the cooking and stuff.
My father an I are not that close with terms to conversation. (sadly) He was working in another country most of my life. It's actually not that bad. We still talk but, I just feel a little "hanging" whenever we do.
He insisted he cook lunch for me and since he knows I don't eat rice at home, he bought buns instead and made eggs. He's a good cook. I stayed at home for 2 hours and told him I have work.
I am blessed with the greatest father. Though we lack open communication, I know he listens to me.

No entries yesterday coz I was a little depressed about losing 6 hundred over a Drag racing competition. I got closure now anyway.

One of the aparment units from our building is leaving. She was working in another country and then decided to stay here for a while. lt was the last unit and we were the first so all the heat is absorbed by our place then it acts like a filter where the last unit doesn't get any of the heat. AND WE GET ALL. It's like inside a steam bath, only, it's natural and no OFF switch. That's part of the reason why I came back to the afternoon. I'd rather take the hot road than retire in a bed of coals.

I have an insatiable urge to meet people. I'm not that interesting actually but I still want to meet people. Hell, even talk to them. I jump on chances I can introduce or even give a dim but gallant smile to a familiar or a not-so-familiar face.

There's this fellow I'm fortunate to be working with that blogs as well. Cool guy. However, the first time I saw him back when he took the same service I have, I thought he's not like that. A simple shy person. I have learned in the past NEVER to judge people on appearances. I had my share of mistaken identities so I made a pledge not to do that. I got the hang of it. Anyhoo...

I met him in the men's room one time when I needed to freshen up. He doesn't know me of course, so after minutes of wagering with myself, I broke the silence. I asked if he was "Ed". I felt a little startle from him but he politely answered yes. I introduced myself and then he proceeded to brush his teeth. Then I said I'll go ahead. It always makes me feel good when I do that.

Here's to my new buddy. The style in expressing yourself is rare. Till next time you brush. ;-)

"What higher intelligence is there than the kindness of giving people their salvation from ignorance?"

Read that message and let it sink in you.

We always thought of intelligence as having answers to most questions about life, love and what not. Sometimes having a high IQ is another. Someone who is eloquent, with fluency and sensible loquaciousness. To make sound advices and suggestions.

I thought so too. But after seeing that line, I quickly looked back at myself and my views. Selflessness is always the key. A candle never loses it's brightness when it shares it light to other candles. Instead, it brightens up the room even more.

This was a message from a friend I had in the evening shift. DAMN. The first time I read this, I got goosebumps so I pried and asked him where he got it. Guess what? He made this himself! I had my share of talk with this fellow and he's a cool being. Sadly, before we got separated for the new scheds, he got suspended. For whatever reason, let's keep that on the raps. I felt sorry for him. He was a good person. I still believe they cannot put a good man down.
I hope to see him back here soon.

Pamumuni-muni

Ang sabi'y manahimik
magpanggap at ngumiti
ika'y ligaw ba?
ano tong pagmamadali?

mundong ilang ulit binasag
ilang ikot nalampasan
wala man tamis na nadagdag
Kamusmusan ba and dahilan?

alam kong ika'y di sanay
lugar na aking binalingan
mga palad ko'y pawis na
kasama sa sikreto'y buwan lang

pagkakataon ma'y di sapat
upang hangari'y mailahad
ito may malinis at tapat
minsa'y iba ang nabubungad

sa ngalan ng pagibig, karangalan
bakit minsa'y mukhang kahibangan
may magagawa ka ba kaibigan?
o hanggang dun mo lang ako matitignan

The Flight

For the world crumbled
like a priced toy being sold
and songs became lines
lost all meaning and kind
you face me teary eyed
when mine have long dried
and as much as I like to stay
there won't be come-what-mays
thus, we can live in the now
be a free soul
as faith still drawn from will
there's no reason to stand still...

Birthdays are things we really look forward to. This is different on my part. I dont. I mean, yeah, i like my birthday but I have a different vision of it. My bday is not much of a big deal for me. Yes, its like a change of age and everything but for me, i dont look forward to it. I'm even anxious for my bday to pass. Let me give you a situation.
My most recent b-day, i got up and thought what will i do today? So I went to the video store to pick up some films i will watch. I got some sappy love stories and went to the counter. The clerk checked on my records and after a few seconds looked at me... "happy birthday sir" she exclaimed. It was the first greeting i got for that day and it came from a video store clerk. I smiled and said "thanks, you're the first one to greet me today". She blushed. I left the store and went home and watched the films.
The next day, i left for work but stopped by the video store to return the tapes. Again, (with a different clerk, a cuter one, *wink*), checked my records and looked at me, "Belated Happy Birthday sir" she said with a smirk. I smiled and said "thanks, you're the first one to greet me belated."
What's wrong with that story? You tell me... I'm just a year older than before. no more no less. I dont expect anyone to greet me anymore. I just go to the video store. Hmmm.. wonder what I'll do this year. ;-)

Spent

I am the king of pretentions
The king of pretentions say I
What can you do, to what?
Pretend I can, at anytime, die

To what do I owe this pleasure
Of your time and close distance
To exuberate, wonder
Like I would pass up such chance

Freedom is believed to be a lie
Like life, it can be taken
To steal away one's aging breath
Can you rise and be with men

Love is your only liberty
Masters of the world agree
That loving is less pretending
More on moving, acting, being FREE.

"Never hit on the bestfriend."

While we were sitting and completely full, my friend ask me, "why her?" I have asked this question to myself a lot of times failing to come up with a sound answer. I said I didn't know. Then he said those words to me - "Bro, Never hit on the Bestfriend." He said he's been there. Then after more bantering and wagering with him, and no more cigarettes to pollute our lungs, he went home.

The quoted text keep on lingering on my mind until now. I've decided not to engage in it anymore. It's hell I tell yah, but I've been burned before and I don't think I can take another one. I'll immense my self in things I find risk-free. I want to be someone before I enter the apoplectic world of romantic realism. I figured it's not my scene yet.

Plus, I hate competition, especially against friends.

I cried today. Nothing serious and hard of course. But enough to create small dropplings of tears. It started after putting down a book I was reading, (ironically, it's a funny book), then grabbing my cell and thinking of some "thoughts" to compose, I was struck with an epiphany. I was a wreck.Then that's when I started welling up.
Flashes of demeaning factors splattered my mind that I couldn't contain or brush off. I held both my hands over my eyes while I sat at the corner of my bed. I didn't know what to do at that point. I prayed for a mento, I blamed, I cursed, and with one last masculine attempt of release - I punched the wall. It's one of the most pathetic act of men as a release, I know, but it was all I can think of. I've spent most of my adult life in solitude so I understood myself.
It's almost time for work and I have to take a bath. I hope I won't take this with me.

Sometimes, you wish you we're clueless of things. Completely. That, for a minute, you won't be too keen of things that revolves around you. It only leads to
complication. Ignorance is bliss right?

-------

Saying "No" will always be a sign on strength at times you need to.

-------


"let the things you love be your escape."

I heard this phrase somewhere or something I watched and since then I never really understood it. Well, until now.

I'm speaking in light of my age. I had flashes in the past of things I loved and then proceeded to immense myself in them and making them my passion. Sadly, they didn't stay much in me. I thought of reasons why and have been found futile in such attempt.

In life, you have things, persons, even events that you fall in love with. This creates a world in which you alone control. The feeling of having them in you is exhilarating. Actually, there's no word to describe it. You can't define exactly, how you love something - you just do. It's your own reality. Apart from the outside environment which you currently subscibe to. Your ESCAPE.

------

Most, yes, most fairy tales have female leads. Hell, even Fairies are mostly females. Now, here's the not-so-whopping question - Why are there not much males. We are always faced with the Knight in shining Armor and Prince Charming crap. (Well, yeah, there's the Beast and Quasimodo and a frog) These are the same reasons I put a higher distinction between tales and reality. I'm not saying to scrap those type of valiant stories however, as an observant to the hopeless romanticism and underdog characters of the written, i hope they make more of the latter.

Take Snow White. Spent quite a time with 7 dwarves then cursed with an apple, slept in a coffin. Came "The Prince Charming" kissed her, woke her up and Bham! She's him for the taking. I mean, the dwarves tended to her needs. They protected her as much as their size and limited capabilities can. For the time Snow White stayed with the dwarves, she felt secured and happy. And for me, it was great at that point.

Next, Cinderella. I mean, come on Prince! Cinderalla has a suitor on her own league just next door. A quite guy who has forlorn dreams of studying and teaching kids. Loves nature and cares for his family. That's why he worked for a terror of a tenant. Working all day on a barn of animals rarely sees the market and all that. What happened to that guy? He exiled himself. He became more adamant in hoping he'll ever find such a catch as Cinderella. Nice move hot shot! Cinderalla was just blinded by your dashing good looks, perfect white teeth, jaunty words and accent, flashy carriage, always-walking-with-a-sword and wardrobe that would make the "Emperor" a run for his money. Oh, and the fact that you're part of history. Why don't you just take the two for one special? Take the wicked step-mother as well.

Last night was not an "alchohol-night". (awwww) Yeah, right. Instead we went to a small store along Field's Avenue fashioning a famous mediterranean dish. I got two only because one my companions asked me if I can still finish another one. I saw it as a dare and brought in on. Well, also because I love those. In short, it was a gluttonous night. It didn't stop there. No sir. Right after going home and changed clothes, I plan on kicking back with a book and let the food simmer down before I call it a night. Tough luck. A friend came over my crib bringing longanisa with eggs. Uncooked by the way. He wanted me to cook some rice and prepare what he brought. Being a warm guest, not that he's new because he's the most frequent visitor I have, I caved.

There were no clean dishes so I have to wash them as well while the rice is being cooked.

I finished all necessary preparations and we eventually dug in. (i ate less of course) After satisfying every inch of our intestines, we went out for a stogie break. We talked until 4 in the morning which we usually do before I went to the evening shift.

Thus making drinking a much suitable alternative. Just the eating part. The talk is a given while drunk.

I'm on a swapped schedule today and it's supposed to be my off. And yes, I'm blogging here at work. That's how I love this sked. Well, also because we have a "Night out" with some of my friends at work. I have been consistently drinking like a madman since the start of this shift. Consistenly being the operative word. It's nothing emotionally colored but I'm just on a hype thang these first part of the shift that's all. I have no intentions of doing it just as I did in the "darker times". That's in the distant past so I'd rather not bore you with it.

Okay. I'm well rested now. (well rested means milk chocolate then 4 hours of NIGHT sleep) I could blog properly, I hope.

The dingus that I am, I forgot my ID back in my old home yestarday and eventually entered work with a temporary ID. It's a little demeaning to be in that situation. So, I planned to return home to fetch my ID. I'm not complaining or anything, trust me. You know what they say, the road to home is never long. I asked a friend if she wants to accompany me on my quasi-journey. To my utter amazement, she agreed. So, come morning, to start my day right, I went to McDonald's. I need a hashbrown/sausage mcmuffin boost. (shrug)
I was able to give her a gimpse of my simple small-town life before I moved to the rigors of the big city. My first education, my church life, and my family. I saw in her, a spark of interest with how we lived before. The native and somewhat, mediocre style of living. sigh. I miss it everyday.

Here I am. The afternoon shift. If I may insert, I'm a little hyper today and just got a little "ssshh" from my coach. Indirectly of course. I'm gonna try to trim it down. Now, there's this uncomfortable silence in our place. Probably because I don't talk. In case you don't know, I'm a little passionate about sharing and filling out silences, primarily because I'm not fond of too much silence.

I came home to my old hometown yesterday. (i feel there's something redundant on that sentence. I will discuss my feeling of nostagia and other sentiments tommorow. right now, im having a minor headache.

ciao for now.

About two months ago, an uncle of mine is leaving for abroad with my sister. I paid a visit to my uncle a week before he has to leave. I actually resented seeing his state before he leaves

I will be an emcee for my cousin's 18th birthday. It's my first time to be one in front of my father's brood. I must admit, I'm psyched with it but at the same time, excited to be in control of a ceremony. I haven't practiced anything yet. Do emcees practice? Well, just in case, I will be coming home early later. I'm kinda beat. I'll probably sleep half of the day then prepare the program when I wake up. No pressure huh? Just cross your fingers that I don't screw up.

Well, here we are. The last day of my grayard shift. I'm not exactly making this big but, call me excited. To be back to my usual time. The chance to sleep, not exacty early, but, while it's dark. I haven't been that productive in my graveyard days. I have all these elaborate plans of extra-curricular contents but, sadly, they didn't materialize.


Second break, i tried not to sleep so I went outside with a cup of coffee and hanged-out with my "beer-bonging" comrades. They are a different group I have in this shift that you can count on when you need an alchohol and stogie boost. They're good company. If I have another reason to miss this shift, its them.


By the way, I'm reading this book a friend lended me. It's "the restaurant at the end of the Universe". It's downright funny. Although, the names and animated terms they so elaborately used are hard to remember, it has lines that, when you try to act them in your head, will make you chuckle. Let me give you the first line of the book - "In the beginning, the Universe was created which made a lot of people angry". ;o)

still two days before my day-off and then, im back in the afternoon. Whooo! I'll be back to the nightly hang-outs and yosi con banter with my friend Sed. By the way, those lasted until 4 in the morning. I loved the silences we have in the depth of the morning. We talk about our angsts on the world, share our limited wisdom them, and curse them for making our petty lives even more miserable. Of course it only lasted on that night. Come tomorrow, we're both drooling over them. Ugh. Being a man sometimes bites.

Today, is one of those crappy days that you thought will not be as such. You know those? The start of the day, you're feeling all Gung-ho and all. Then something happens that you suddenly switch from that state of euphoria to rockbottom. I don't want to bored you on what's causing this. You'll surely think it's shallow, even pathetic. I can't wait to sleep this off. It's my only source of comfort these days. thanks.

i was just viewing some pictures from my college days and I got the thinking... I miss it. I was a different person in college. Different, meaning better. I was someone. I really hate to launch on this paranoia spiel but I can't help but regret that who I was in college, is not who I am now. I think this goes for most people. Well, it depends on whether you are successful of at least, consistent in your status since then.

I was just fiddling with my mind and came up with these thoughts that i learned in the past.
You can read them or not, depends on you. I just thought that i share these ones. Hope u share yours too...



-- after college, i started asking myself what i learned. then ideas pass my head. detailed ones. Algebra, calculus, grammars and spellings, programs and logic.... then it struck me, i only learned one thing essential. MOTIVATION. back then, you are urged if not forced to study, understand, even memorize numbers and words (some are gibberish). Why? because of grades. either good ones or just to pass it, which in turn, points toward a higher goal -- graduate and so on.
Presently, as I work, i try to motivate myself in accomplishing things. Believe me its no picnic but you gotta try it. Its great on what you can accomplish with a little motivation from yourself. Try simple motivation tools like, returning a favor from somebody, for a little pride, for a loved one... these little things will do good in accomplishing huge ones. As the song goes "it only takes spark to get a fire going"




-- my youth was filled with numerous incidents that defies my age and understanding. My circle of friends consist of a group of older people enough to be my grandfathers and grandmothers. (honest!) And another group which are younger but are older than me. about 5-6 years older. the grand ones were sensible in talking about God and reflections on bible readings. (we meet once a week to do this). it was great hearing from their expert opinions and wisdom and i felt that they are thrilled to hear views from a kid, or child, or youth or.. (geez, just someone younger!).
The key moment was with my other group, the older brothers. we play basketball and talk at night. It was unfortunate that one of my "brother's" father died. His father was so close to us for he was a kind man. He was like a second father to me. On the third day after his death, we were hanging out on the basketball court, (we didn't play of course) then we left to go to our friend's house, he was with us. the other ones had to get their bikes so it was just me and the one whose father died. As we were walking, i noticed him very silent, i understood his silence but he turned to me and uttered a phrase that made me shiver -- "gibbs, nagtagal din ang tatay ko no?" (gibbs, my father lasted long didn't he?) At that point i looked at him and didn't know what to say that would be appropriate. I just said in most honesty - "naging tatay ko na sya kuya". (he became my father, bro) He smiled the warmest i ever saw in all our time being friends. There i thought that they looked at me not as a younger kid, but as an equal friend. I then began to think a little advanced for my age. But the fact remains that i am still young and has the audacity to feel and act the way my age ought to.



-- paranoia is attached to my name, in fact, i think they invented it just for me (that sentence proves it, sigh). It is my worst problem of all time. im glad im not schizophrenic yet. No matter what people say or convince me to believe, i still stick to it. its sick i know (spare me the low head shaking) The surprising fact is, a lot are like me. Well not exactly a lot, but i met some people with the same problem. We may seem pathetic at times but for me... well, i have my own point. When i feel these paranoia attacks, i'm always right. Always. When i feel that something is wrong, there is. Hard to believe? Well that's for you. I tend to have a hunch that something wrong is gonna happen or is happening and it ALWAYS does. (third eye? ho humm)
So for all people like me. Don't be so down with your... should we say, uniqueness. We have reasons to feel these things and should not be the means for us not to be happy and enjoy life.


-- Ever saw horses used for transformation that have those square covers on their eyes? (pardon for the vagueness) im sure you have an idea what are those for. some even say so that its eyes won't get splinters or dirts in their eyes. some say so they's eyebugs won't show (huh?) some say because the style of the covers are flattering to them. (ha!)
Seriously, they put them on so the horses won't see other things covered on their peripheral vision and in turn get bothered or distracted while they cruise around with passengers. You see horses are sensitive to sudden movements, even from the corner of their eyes.
The story i related has two sides when applied to life. One - The covers signify the decision of a person in not minding the other factors in life. i.e friends, family, fun, relationships and the like. He sets his goals so blindly that he will not let other things interfere, or risk the chance of them getting some of his attention. So determined and focused.
The other is the one who does not use the cover. They rather go through life with these outer factors and results do vary if they succeed or not. But horses are driven by people while we are our own drivers. Try to see on the perspective and decide if you need covers or not.


-- My co-workers were talking one day and covered every topic known to man on the first two bottles. (just for unwinding, trust me) We came to talk about destiny and fate. (im not sure if they mean the same thing) I personally don't believe in it. No blinking. Then one of us blurted that his grandfather related their definition of destiny. His gramps believe in it, BUT! it has only two sides in it. He believes that a man is only destined to live and die. When a man is born, he is destined to be born as the same when he dies. Those are the only destiny a man has. Everything on between is up to the person and is subjected to his own choices. you always have a choice. you always have choice.



~~ Quote ~~

-- From "As Good as it Gets"
Some of us have great stories - pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car - but a lot of people, that's their story - good times, noodle salad. What makes you mad is not that you had it bad, but that you're pissed that so many others had it good.

Own Thoughts


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--- I watch a certain teen movie (i was a sucker for them), and there was a line that i found interesting. The girl was asking the guy out for a cup of coffee. "How about your boyfriend?" the guy asked. "I don't have a boyfriend" said the girl. "I mean, why limit yourself when there's a world of possibilities out there?" Then the guy said "Well, maybe those possibilities distract from what you really want?.. That's why i don't watch cable." The girl was puzzled. "There's too many choices." the guy explained.
The two persons each have strong points. Honestly, i don't know which is plausible. Although I am leaning towards the guy's point. (not that he's a guy, its not an issue of chauvinism or anything, i mean, its not like the girl is wrong or what, i just...ugh, i loath myself sometimes.. moving on...)
Sometimes, we tend to want or prefer many choices in things. Take TV for example. Not all of have CABLE TV. An average cable subscription have 41 channels. (imagine!) HBO, Cinemax, Star Movies etc. I promise you, you will flick on those channels like picking up nuts on a Cornbits pack.
Then if someone asks you, "hey! did u watched TV patrol last night? there was an interesting part that talked about dogs. it was good"
You will probably answer "ummm, er.. I watched HBO last night, Weekend at bernies was on". Surely, you will feel kinda left out. Especially if the person next to you watched the DOG thing on CH. 2.
This are just some of the instances that having too much choices are not so desirable. Sometimes, you have to limit or get the usual choices most ppl have.



--- I saw a shirt once and it has this print on the back -
"don't let the things you cannot do stop you from doing the things you can."
Make sense? Of course it does. And to think that i got it from a shirt. (i dunno the brand).
Sometimes our weaknesses makes us think that we are incapable of accomplishing other "work" or "tasks" in life. We are cornered by the thought that we shall falter or fail in doing them. On the back of our heads, our weaknesses are creeping up on the good side of our brain giving us some level of hesitation and lessens our self confidence without us knowing it. For me, this is the core problem for some ppl. They actually have the thinking that they are "risking" or "gambling" when they try to do the things they are really capable of doing.
Buttom line is, we need to accept the things we can't do. Thus by acceptance can we truly and effectively do the things we can.



"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the strength to change things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference"




-- back in my old town, there is a jeepney driver called "No Problem". that's his name. Unusual? wait till u hear its story.
When you ride his jeepney, he usually is silent but has one line to say for most conversations -- "No Problem".
"can u drop me on the next alley?"
"No problem"
"sorry, i don't have a smaller bill"
"No problem"
One day, his jeepney broke down in the middle of the road and caused traffic. I was on the other jeepneys and decided to go down to check what's causing the ordeal. After learning the cause, i went back. But as i was walking, people asks me what happened. I told them it was "No problem". All sighed with relief and relaxed and waited. the news was passed and all waited, patienly.
I came to work late, of course, and my boss (shakeys) asked me why i was later with a scolding tone. I told him No Problem's jeep broke down and caused a traffic. Quickly, his face change to a neutral one and ordered me to get dressed. no further interrogation. (phew!) It was no problem for he was "No Problem"



--- Birthdays are things we really look forward to. This is different on my part. I dont. I mean, yeah, i like my birthday but I have a different vision of it. My bday is not much of a big deal for me. Yes, its like a change of age and everything but for me, i dont look forward to it. I'm even anxious for my bday to pass. Let me give you a situation.
My most recent b-day, i got up and thought what will i do today? So I went to the video store to pick up some films i will watch. I got some sappy love stories and went to the counter. The clerk checked on my records and after a few seconds looked at me... "happy birthday sir" she exclaimed. It was the first greeting i got for that day and it came from a video store clerk. I smiled and said "thanks, you're the first one to greet me today". She blushed. I left the store and went home and watched the films.
The next day, i left for work but stopped by the video store to return the tapes. Again, (with a different clerk, a cuter one, ), checked my records and looked at me, "Belated Happy Birthday sir" she said with a smirk. I smiled and said "thanks, you're the first one to greet me belated."
What's wrong with that story? You tell me... I'm just a year older than before. no more no less. I dont expect anyone to greet me anymore. I just go to the video store. ;-)


---Life is a time for learning
We must learn that our Life is as important
as that of any other person on Earth,
but never more important. We must learn
that we have every right to Happiness,
yet it is up to us to find and recognize it.
We must learn that Life is not easy
nor is it permanent, others will come and go,
and often their departure will cause us pain.
We must learn to develop a positive attitude
That can handle Life's disappointments.
And we must learn that in order to find Love,
we must look inside our own Heart.
For if we can't find it within,
we will never find it without.

Allow me to add some of my "own thoughts". These have been sent to my friends here at work via email. At least I have someplace of placing them aside from my Filing Cabinet. Here goes...


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-- Have you ever stopped and look at the advances of everything? I think its trite to say that "Everything Changes". But you see, there has to be a reason for all these changes, not to mention, advancement in every aspect of man you can conjure up. Technology, medicine, industrial, science, literature etc. And the reason... IMMORTALITY.


As humans, we have the tendency to desire prolonging existence. Well, not existence per se, but life. And the innovations, influxes and discoveries today all lead to it. Emily Dickinson once said "It's abnormal for a person to not want to be remembered. Nobody wants to be nobody"


They write, that the next generations will read them and, in turn, will be remembered.
They invent, they discover, they build, they make... immortality. In words, in deeds, in existence.



Be somebody. Be immortal.

just a quick note before I have a short meeting...



If i will just have the chance to share each morsel of thoughts, movements and what not, I would gladly take that challenge. Put me on ED TV or the truman show or anything. I'll take it.



I gotta go. I'll be back in a while. Don't you go anywhere.

ahh... there. I have managed to successfully published this blog at last.



From now on, this is my solitude. My outlet for my angst. (and I do have many)


I was trying to make a short story from quite sometime now and all I have managed to finish is a two page imaginary diatribe of a recurrent dream I had. Anyway, you can be assured that I put my heart into it.


I will be moving to my former schedule so hopefully, i'll have more blogs by then. Life was faster when I was in the afternoon.
My life as a graveyard shift employee hasn't been productive as I have anticipated. My plans not carried out so, disappointment on my end. Hopefully, I will return to my old zestful existence in the afternoon.


I come to work 2 ours before my shift at the latter days of this shift for reasons I don't even know. It has to do with the heat. (yeah right) I'm always telling myself that I'll finish my only remaining morsel of artistry (second to eating) but when I'm here, my mind is blank. The outbox of my cellphone is the only witness and quasi-journal to my daily sentiments. I send them to some friends who, i fervently hope, will understand them. And will not take against me in any way.


Consider this my first official entry in a long time. Not that anyone would see it or appreciate it.


i'll c yah.